Shanti Vintage

Deathspank: A Tale of Swords and Satire

2010-07-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes a person to step back and really observe a subject before true humor can be derived from it. This is an old principle and not one shy to the video games market. An example of this would be the Grand Theft Auto series, the developer of which, Rockstar North, is based in Scotland. The intrinsic wit throughout the game, most notably on the radio stations, parodies US culture, politics and multimedia. It is because of this outward view that the British based developer can see the funny side of American life. Furthermore it is also, in the author’s opinion, why Ron Gilbert has been able to so craftily weave his humor into his latest release, Deathspank, which comments not just on the genre of action-RPG’s , but on the entire games industry and its design principles.

-Deathspank visits a variety of locations on his travels including this enchanted forest where he'll meet leprechaun mobsters, gingerbread men and Unicorns with valuable excrement... no really

Gilbert hasn’t taken the helm of a game since 1997 with the release of Monkey Island 2. It is clear from the outset however ,that the designer has had his pulse on the industry for the duration of the last decade. Deathspank, at its heart, is an open world action-rpg with a stylized look and feel. However the game is done a great injustice by thinking of it in these terms, Deathspank’s success owes as much to humor as it does to the core gameplay mechanics. Now whilst humor alone cannot carry a game, the way in which Deathspank openly pokes fun at games industry standards is nothing short of stellar and is what alleviates it from other games in the genre. This point is illustrated by Deathspank’s very first quest – he has to go out into a field and kill 10 ‘Vicious Chickens’ to collect their lips, an obvious parody of the World of Warcraft style early collection quests that have been used in just about every action-rpg since someone switched on the sun. It doesn’t cease there however and Gilbert has his say ridiculing the stupidity of fetch-quests, colour coding (i.e. the red keycard opens the red door) and the banality of enemy design to name but a few. To go on would be to spoil but these aspects of the game are reason enough to pick it up.

Deathspank is a funny game, there is no question about that. Every character, location and enemy has clearly been well thought out, and it comes together to form a beautifully whimsical world that the player will lose themselves in for the 8-12 hours it will take to power through. Much of this is down to the dialogue which is both superbly written and performed. Vocal talent is outstanding with voice actors that reflect their character counterparts better than any in recent memory. Deathspank himself is a particular highlight. Actor Michael Dobson delivers a larger-than-life hero, sounding like a more booming version of Captain Quark from the Ratchet and Clank series. Combine this with Deathspank’s egotistical, self obsessed and slightly stupid character and it makes for a winning performance.

-"What goes on in the cirlce STAYS in the circle... right guys?

Of course the characters themselves would be stale and one-dimensional if it wasn’t for the dialogue. Gilbert is no stranger to humor writing as anyone who has played any of his previous outings will know. Deathspank’s own brand of wit combines stereotypes, slapstick and satire to great effect. The fourth wall is broken sparingly and the game is partially self aware – thankfully not in the overdone sense of The Simpsons Game or Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. Things that would be strange or out place in a game about questing with swords and shields are taken at face value – so when a little orphan girl demands Deathspank buy her a cell phone before she will allow him to rescue her Deathspank merely quips back “A cell phone, I can’t afford one of those!” without missing a beat. The surreal nature of the writing plays entirely into the absurdity of the game itself and the pleasure of hearing everything will ensure players stop to talk to every character and use every dialogue branch they can – if only to hear what will come next.

The visual style of Deathspank has a distinct charm, whilst characters and the landscape are rendered in three dimensions most of the scenery is in mock 2D. The trees and buildings in the game look like they’re made out of cardboard to be used in a Rob Schrab animation. Combine this with the rolling landscape effect, similar to that seen in Animal Crossing on the DS, and it creates a really striking pop-up book effect.

The game itself takes the action-rpg to consoles with success, controls are solid and the game streamlines a lot of what makes the formula stale and dated. Last year the PC release Torchlight introduced a pet that would return to town and sell your loot for you, Deathspank takes this up a notch by offering a ‘Grinder’ built into the inventory which literally crunches your item instantly into coin. This eliminates a lot of backtracking synonymous with the genre. Additionally, because this isn’t played with a mouse and keyboard, a clever weapons system mapped to the face buttons has been implemented which allows Deathspank to be extremely versatile in combat without having to jump into the menu system every 5 minutes. It keeps the pace moving nicely and the diversity of new loot and enemy types will provide more than enough incentive to keep hungry players moving through the game.

Deathspank is a game that is definitely more than the sum of its parts, solid controls and fun combat form the basis of a game that uses its style and wit to stand out from others in the field. Like any game Deathspank has its shortcomings – perhaps there could be an easier way to compare two pieces of loot in the inventory, or maybe the game could do with being another couple of hours long. But these are small bumps on the road of an otherwise excellent journey. The game has been described as ‘Monkey Island meets Diablo’ and, in a nutshell, that’s basically what it is. However that really only scratches the surface of what Deathspank is. Ron Gilbert is back with a bang and has brought his brand of gaming to a new generation and a new genre. It’s hilarious, self aware and stylish, it’s also something anyone with $15 and a pulse should probably check out.

MOH: The Reboot

2010-03-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

The term “reboot” has itself been overhauled in the past few years. Separated from its original meaning under “helpful suggestions for faulty PC’s”, it has become a buzzword for how to fix every big franchise that’s gone wayward or run out of steam. Nowadays if you’re sitting on a once popular series, whether it be television, movie or video game, that has gone stale, but hasn’t completely lost its money making potential, you get a second spin of the wheel. Back to the drawing board you go, perhaps for an origins story of some kind. Let’s see, what are the kids into these days? Even the term itself has become somewhat stale. To hear of a new project with the word reboot attached to it is just as likely to elicit a sigh as it is a gasp.
One such project is Medal of Honor. Due for release “Fall 2010” according to the official preview trailer, the once classic franchise has gone on a slight tangent. After 12 games and two expansion packs set in good ol’ WWII, EA Los Angeles have decided to put down what remains of the whipping rod, and step away from the desiccated remains of a horse that died a long time ago.

You may be wondering why there are no numbers or subtitles attached to the Medal of Honor bit. This is probably because developers Dice couldn’t get away with tagging “Modern Warfare” on there for fear of complete copy right infringement.

The invitation for comparison is blatantly obvious. According to the official website, the new game will allow players to fight the war on terror in modern day Afghanistan. They will take control of numerous forms of high tech weaponry and vehicles. The single player campaign shall form a “seamless experience”, split up between the clandestine “Tier 1 Operators” and the explosive firepower of “the Big Military perspective”. Hmm, so kind of like Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 then.

Forgive me for my, by now obvious, scepticism concerning the originality and prospects of the new Medal of Honor. I would normally be the first to heap praise upon EA’s award winning franchise, having loved the original when it was released in 1999. Developed by EA Los Angeles, known back then as Dreamworks Studios, the game heralded the beginning of gaming’s love affair with World War II.

From the very first game, I sat and watched as the series moved from strength to strength (Allied Assault and Frontline winning universal acclaim on PC’s and consoles), lost its way (Rising Sun and Pacific Assault) and then ran straight into the ground (see European Assault and its incredibly ill informed adrenaline meter). I so wanted EA’s last console instalment, Airborne, to be great. I played the first level and watched my remaining faith die in front of my eyes.

But enough pessimism. Let’s talk potential. EA and Dice want us to believe that Medal of Honor (Afghanistan Assault?) could be a game changer. They want us to believe that they can take on Call of Duty at their own game and come out on top. Infinity Ward did just that when 22 staff members broke away from EA to develop the original Call of Duty.

EA has been described as many things, but plucky under dog has never been one of them. That is, until now. The big question is, what if this underdog comes through?

If the new MOH is a success, it could fully establish a corner of the market that’s already been flirted with in the likes of Spec Ops, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Modern Warfare. All these titles have seen the protagonist fighting against terrorist cells and have entrenched themselves within the issues of economic and ideological conflict. In simplest terms, they allow the players experience in these games to reflect the real conflicts that are being fought today. This means that we could see the floodgates open for a glut of games focused upon the current war on terrorism. The real world and our real fears addressed through the medium of videogames, and the therapeutic nature of shooting computer generated Taliban in the face.

As satirical cartoons and comedic impersonations have shown as in generations past, if we cannot learn to laugh at those who seek to inflict harm upon us, then we will let them win. The medium of computer games could allow people in this part of the world to address their fears by engaging them in an alternative manner, and thus get on with their everyday lives. Or not. The truth is, that the Second World War and the war on terror are two very different conflicts. Ostensibly, the issues being fought over in the former are much more clean cut. More importantly though, the latter conflict is still on-going and therefore more difficult to package than your average shooter.

One thing is for certain though – Medal of Honor made us all fall in love with WWII shooters. If any franchise has the power to get us hooked on something in such a big way again, it’s this one.

Where’s the fun in gaming?

2010-02-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

A question to start with: why play videogames? The answer – because it’s fun. The problem is in defining ‘fun’. Fun is an entirely subjective concept, yet marketing companies can collate enough data to determine trends in the population, hence why we have theme parks, and why millions of people go to the cinema to see a particular movie – Avatar for example.

Avatar highlights an odd phenomenon in the entertainment industry. It is not the most entertaining movie you will ever watch. The acting will not win Oscars, the story is by no means revolutionary, and the cinematography and direction are mediocre at best. Even within its own genre, most people could think of a dozen movies that are superior in any number of ways. Avatar’s real edge, its gimmick, was in class leading special effects, which will probably be superseded in the next five years or so. So why has this movie become the most successful film of all time in less than three months? I think the answer lies in broad cross-market appeal (the lowest common denominator effect) – you have action for the blokes, a romantic sub-plot for the girls, geektastic special effects for your nerds, an eco-warrior moral message for your smug middle class types and a giant fibre optic Christmas tree for your council estate scum. Personally I would give this movie six out of ten, its just interesting enough for me to go and watch it. I suspect that most of the population would say the same thing for the various reasons listed above. No-one who has seen it will ever say it’s the best film they’ve ever seen, and yet everyone can point to something they enjoyed in it.

Extrapolate that theory to gaming, except take out a large chunk of the population and leave behind core gamers. What makes a game fun? Take the GTA franchise for example, a real personal favourite of mine. GTA III, Vice City and San Andreas are in my list of top ten games of all time. GTA IV is better than all of them put together, and I wouldn’t include it in my list, and I’ll tell you why. It’s no fun to play. The broadcaster and writer, Charlie Brooker, has given impassioned defences in the past for GTA IV, explaining that it should be regarded as a modern classic in any art form for its biting satire and brutal deconstruction of the American dream. He’s absolutely correct of course, when I played through it and took part in a mission where you beat up some loan sharks with a baseball bat, I did so whilst nodding sagely and noting to myself that it is indeed true that the wheels of commerce are oiled by the blood of the workers. This is to gaming what Dostoevksy’s ‘Crime and Punishment’ is to literature – a magnificent addition to the medium, and anything but light entertainment. This game is depressing to play, its about the futility of ambition, its like that terrible episode of Rolf’s Animal Hospital when Rolf got drunk on cheap vodka and gave lethal injections to all the animals (Ok, so that didn’t really happen but you get the point). In earlier entries to the series you start as a nobody, work for a mafia-type kingpin, and eventually run the city. You get to take down cops with an Apache helicopter! It’s the most fun thing in the world to do. This leads me on to the spiritual successor to San Andreas and the rest of the pre-GTA IV games from that franchise – Saints Row 2.

SR2 is not a perfectly polished game, and not having played the first instalment in the series, I did have concerns that it may be a GTA-lite. However my fears were allayed when I discovered that I could issue my character with a greeting action, I went for the Fonzy double finger point/thumbs up gesture, and accompanying “ayyy” – one of the side missions sees you spray the streets with sewage, knocking over pedestrians, coating cop cars and defiling buildings. It is riotously good fun to play, mainly because it doesn’t take itself too seriously.

One games company that recognised the difference between faithful recreation and entertainment is Codemasters. With their earlier racing franchise, Race Driver, players were punished for being over aggressive, displaying hubris and daring to defy the ‘racing line’. Their most recent series, Grid, is still mighty competitive, and tough, but it is much more forgiving, bringing in an old-school arcade feel to the action which makes you feel about ten years old again.

Think how dull Modern Warfare would be if you were killed with a single shot, how uninspiring an RPG would be if you never ascend to being some kind of hero or champion. With the exception of puzzle games, such as the ridiculously addictive Portal, videogames should provide a form of escapism, and why escape to a world more depressing than your own – unless your can conquer it?

To come full circle with this argument I would like to return to Rockstar (of GTA fame), who also brought us the exceptional Bully (or Canis Canem Edit, as the UK nanny state decided it should be called). This game superbly captures the simplicity and charm of a game set in a school environment, such as retro heroes like Skool Daze did back in the 80s. All the playground humour is there, all the pranks, the cliques, the frustrations. Bully was released in 2006, midway between San Andreas (2004) and GTA IV (2008), and it feels like Rockstar Vice President and writer Dan Houser retreated to his bedroom with a Commodore C64 and relived some playground glory before penning Bully. Bully has all the satire of GTA, without any of the gritty realism (a sort of Grange Hill-em-up), it is nothing short of a laugh-riot to play from start to finish, and personally I am delighted by rumours of a sequel. The whole ambience of the game is about fun, and one of the earliest clues that this game will be a treat is the soundtrack, which (and this is a bold claim that few will agree with) I think is the best in gaming history. The generic walking theme in Bully can only be described as a ‘Harry Potter porn groove’ – and should a dodgy home movie of Emma Watson ever appear on the internet at some point in the future, I sincerely hope the Bully walking theme is used to accompany it.

Better doesn’t always mean more fun. I have been known to play bejewelled blitz for hours on end, and its shit! Having deep moral choices and a fancy physics engine is great, but it’s supposed to be entertaining. Get that bit right first, then put the whistles and bells on, otherwise it’s an exercise in turd polishing.

A Personal Tale: My Quest for 'The Ultimate Quest'

2010-01-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, I’m an RPG fan, I admit it. I don’t sit in front of my computer with NHS prescription glasses and a homemade cape, although that is the common stereotype, all the same I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a certain kick out of looting dungeons once in while. Role Playing Games have an image problem, but that’s not the biggest issue they face. Their greatest demon is the inability from within the genre to produce the perfect gaming experience – or anything near it.

My first foray into the world of orcs and wizards was with the board game HeroQuest in the late 1980s, followed quickly by the videogame of the same name in 1991, which I duly played on the venerable Acorn Archimedes A3000. Now, processing power aside, this game failed to transport me into a magical world of castles, dungeons, sorcerers or demons. It failed because it was a simulation of the board game, a board game I already owned. The videogame was essentially a way of saying ‘I’ve tried to find friends in the real world. I have tried, and I have failed.’ The board game required at least two players, whereas the videogame was an exclusively solitary affair. Now this was neither the first nor the last game to follow the turn-based strategy approach, and I’m not attacking that genre of game, but HeroQuest let me down. It’s not that it was a bad videogame; it’s just that when I played the board game as an enthusiastic youngster, I imagined all the battles in my head, dungeon walls covered in slime and impractically dressed barbarians decapitating hapless ghouls. I wanted the videogame to match my imagination – it was something that couldn’t be done. It wasn’t possible in 1991, and in total fairness it’s not what this game set out to achieve.

Fast forward sixteen years and we arrive at a candidate for the best RPG ever made - The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion: Game Of The Year Edition (PS3), I have invested more than 600 hours of my life to this game, and I have still to finish it. In part I don’t want to finish it, because then it will be done. No more. Finito. I have spent more time with my Spellsword (whom I built from scratch, and who looks like a fat Ashley Cole with a mullet since you ask) than I spent with some of my flatmates from my first three years at university. This game is huge. The map is so big it makes Middle Earth look like Glasgow Green. Every building can be entered, and every character can be talked to. The towns, villages and cities of Cyrodiil are alive with the hustle and bustle of everyday business; the game world feels like it continues when you’re not there. The start of the game sees your character escaping from a dungeon through a sewer system – the first time you step out of the sewer and see the game world is a special moment. Any reservations you may have had about the game until that moment simply evaporate in what remains the most beautiful open world gaming experience ever made. It’s a world that invites you to spend time in it, you are rewarded for being inquisitive, one of the un-named missions sees your character led to some hidden loot by following a trail of strange notes and following the directions of various swords on the ground.

I love everything about this game and yet it has some monumental flaws. The character voicing is terrible. It feels like the game’s creators, Bethesda softworks, spent their actor budget on acquiring Sean Bean and Patrick Stewart, and were left with about five quid to pay for about ten other actors to voice the rest of the game world. As a result you will start to hear the same actors voicing different characters after about twenty minutes of game play. In addition some characters will completely change their voice during their conversation with you, changing from an old woman to someone considerably younger in mere seconds. Craig Sechler, who voices all of the dark elf males, sounds as if he is auditioning for a part in Hamlet. Granted the game is a fantasy RPG, so an element of ridiculous theatre is to be expected, but his voice work on the “adoring fan” character still grates on me to this day. I occasionally wake up in a cold sweat having had nightmares about being sodomised against my will by a small blond elf who shouts “by Azura, by Azura, by Azura” as he climaxes. The quality of the voice acting is extremely poor in this game, and it is notable that Bethesda’s next RPG venture, the superb Fallout 3, has improved on this aspect immeasurably. As you level up the game can become ridiculously easy. Find yourself an invisibility spell and a decent sword and the game is as good as beaten. There is a mission that involves blind monks (at the Temple of the Ancestor Moths) who have super sensitive hearing, and will attack anyone who enters their temple. Simply cast an invisibility spell on yourself upon entering and you can happily clunk past the monks in your heaviest set of armour and they will not hear you or attack you.

I could go on, but in truth I still love this game – in spite of its flaws. Of course, the RPG genre isn’t just restricted to swords and sandals; Fallout 3 (as mentioned above) is a post apocalyptic loot-em-up in the style of Cormac McCarthy’s ‘The Road’. Bethesda learnt valuable lessons from Oblivion, and as such Fallout is a much more rounded game, and the combat mechanic employed (the V. A. T. S. system) brings in auto-targeting and a turn based system that improves on Oblivion’s agricultural approach. Fallout 3 is still a glitchy game however (as all open world RPGs invariably are) and frustratingly some of Oblivion’s greatest irks come back to annoy you.

A more recent entry to this genre is Borderlands, which can be played through in split screen co-op, online multiplayer and the Han Solo variety. Borderlands boasts approximately 250,000 different weapons in the game, but levelling up aside, you find you will stick to a basic four or five different weapons. This is a good, fun game, but it lacks variety and you will get very tired of going back to the same place repeatedly for different missions – that and enemies spawn ridiculously quickly. Borderlands doesn’t take itself too seriously, and as a result the game has no real depth. You don’t care about any of the characters and the staggered progression of boss fights makes this game feel like a platformer wearing a frock and trying to convince itself that it’s a pretty girl. Oh, and the Rakk Hive will put you off sex for a month.

So there we have it, some very good RPGs, some downright awful ones and some where, you as the protagonist, take on the role of someone playing a board game. I’m still searching for an RPG that pushes all of my buttons, and I doubt I’ll ever find it. One interesting development since I started writing this piece is that it appears that Bethesda are working on an MMORPG version of the Elder Scrolls, which doesn’t immediately fill me with joy – Trey Parker pretty much annihilated the genre with the South Park spoof ‘Make Love not Warcraft’. I guess my search continues…

Game and Shame: The Pokémon Effect

2010-01-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

When I was a lad my school was religiously focused. Now I'm not sure if it was Catholic or Protestant all I know is that Jesus was mentioned a lot. Regardless I was never persuaded by religion so, as a boy, when the prayers started and I bowed my head to 'pray' most of my time was actually spent thinking about which new monsters I should capture to add to my team in Pokémon Blue for the Gameboy (clearly the better version than all the Red version wanabees). Anyway here we are over a decade later and very little has changed.

-Hah! Bulbasaur. Only Idiots Picked Bulbasaur!

Putting aside my inevitable descent to hell I want to take a minute to explore the idea of guilt when playing games. I know I'm not the only person who feels silly playing games on occasion. For example I met a guy; we'll call him Steve, back in June who I hadn't seen since leaving school. Now he tells me that he's in an up and coming indie band that’s playing the summer festivals. Pretty cool I think, until the friend I was with drops into the conversation that I had just bought Rock Band. Steve clearly had no idea about video games and as I stood explaining the Guitar Hero/Rock Band concept he looked at me like I was a child. I felt kind of stupid afterwards so I went home to stew in my embarrassment - by drinking half a bottle of Vodka and failing to play Run to the Hills on Expert.

It was dumb to think this way however. The recent direction the rythm genre has taken allows us to experience music in a whole new way. Bands want mp3's, cd's, a myspace page and now too they want to be featured in a Rock Band esc game of somekind. Here's to heralding in an age of the Rock Band Network.

The problem is that despite the fact that Video Game are the second biggest media based industry only to TV, It has surpassed film for some time now, games are still treated like kiddies toys by the people who don't play them. Much of the problem stems from games having a serious image problem. They're like the goth who used to come into school wearing metal-capped shoes and makeup: People either avoided him, made fun of him or thought he was a psycho.

It doesn't help that there are only two ways video games are presented in the media. The first way is some subtly enthusiastic yet Codeine-mellow adverts which describe games (particularly) the Wii as some Fisher-Price esc toy. “Oh there's this Wii thing and look you can play Tennis. Oh what fun look Grandpa can play. And here's Ant and Dec to reassure you that these products are wholesome family entertainment”. Yeah well you don' see Ant and Dec plugging MadWorld do you?

Next is even worse and is to do with violence (and sometimes sex) in video games. “Crisis tonight as a new violent video game causes two fifteen year olds to commit mass genocide of cute ducklings. The video game allegedly trains children to 'hunt and maim' farmyard birds... and then have sex!” Or something like that. So when someone sees you partake in video games you feel embarrassed because you know they are judging you.

But the fact of the matter is this. The people who are judging you are the ones who should be embarrassed. They are ignorant. These are people who spend hours on end watching TV but then judge you for playing your 360 'too much'. Pity them because they are morons. Of course it is one thing to tell yourself not to be embarrassed and a lot harder to actually do when your neighbour glances in your window to see you swinging like a moron playing table tennis on Wii Sports Resort.

-See They're Having Fun. Right? Right?...

Someone should tell the girl on the left that it's not Flip-Flop season

So back to the upcoming release of Pokémon Heart Gold and Soul Silver. Unfortunately Game Freak are still continuing their line of pathetically wimpy game names following on from Diamond and Pearl. Why couldn't they call it Explosion Gold and Lightning Silver? Huh? Just so I don't feel quite so pathetic when I hand over my money at the counter. Anyway, the original games that these are based upon are considered by many to be the best in the Pokémon series. But even if this is the greatest hand-held game in history, if it carries the Pokémon branding you better believe that when I'm playing it on a train I'll be wedged into a corner like a scared kitten. Shielding the screen from those around me so no one can shamefully see me play.

VVVVVV: The Most Exciting Experience Since Avatar!!!

2010-01-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

I'm going to say two things right now that pretty much sum up the rest of this review. Firsty Terry Cavanagh's VVVVVV is a stunning piece of game design which takes a simple concept and executes it with a style and flair worthy of your attention. Secondly this game is so frustrating that you will literally want to tear your face off and then put it back on just so you can tear it off again.

What starts as an occasional titch or hum of disapproving quickly ascends into cursing, a throbbing vein on the temple and quite possibly a stroke. This game is hard. I mean really hard. No seriously, this game takes the Devil May Cry's of this world puts them over his knee and spanks them rotten. That is no exaggeration, I died no less than 1084 times on my first play through, 191 times on a single room entitled 'The Final Challenge'. Its brutal and brilliant and keeps you coming back for more. It is a true harken back to the days of arcades where entire wallets of coins would empty in an afternoon.

Each room in the game is named. - This is Mad Carew...he's mad

Ordinarily there comes a point in games of punishing difficulty where I toss down the controller, exclaim “fuck this”, then go off and have a nice bicycle ride to calm me down but with VVVVVV this point never came. This all boils down to the smart game design where knowing what to do is never the problem, even in the game's hardest rooms death never feels unfair. This is due to tight responsive controls, and a combination of instant re-spawns and the generous check point system means you only have to get it correct once.

VVVVVV's core dynamic is the ability to flip gravity, whilst not a unique concept by any stretch of the imagination VVVVVV explores this concept deeper than any game previous. It sort of follows Braid's formula (switching out time reversal for gravity switching of course). But whilst Braid was all about puzzle solving VVVVVV is all about skill. Things begin easily enough but before long you'll be contending with gravity switching wires, conveyor belts, scrolling spikes etc and no two areas in the game ever feel the same.

As Captain Viridian you traverse a Metroid-esc map as you search all the nooks and crannies in an attempt to rescue your scattered crew members. After an opening level that acts as a tutorial the rest of the map is opened up completely for the player to explore. It uniquely switches between a feeling of freedom in space over world compared with the tightly focused level design of the rooms. The story is basic and is mostly told through a series of monitors / you're fellow crew members. There is a fair amount of ambiguity to what's going on which works well in the context the game. However what really brings this story to life is how it's littered with humour, in fact the entire game is very funny. Peppered throughout the game are tons of nods and references to other games: an obvious example is the room 'Edge Games' where blatant Ms Pac-Man enemies go gobbling by blocking your path. Less obvious is how one of the games' songs is clearly inspired by Guille's music from Street Fighter.

That's a Trinket in the top right - and a tough one too

Whether or not you value music in games (and you should) VVVVVV's haunting audio sets the the game's tone magnificently. Composed by Magnus Pålsson (Souleye) the chiptune beats treads the fine line between modern and retro. They combine the beautiful surrealness of old C64 and ZX Spectrum games with a modern techno twist. The result is something that not only feels instantly familiar, but will also ingrain itself into your pre-frontal cortex. Its masterful and really adds polish to the package.

For those that worry over the $15 (£8.95) price point of the game I'm going to assure you that you get more than your moneys worth. There have been complaints that “Oh its too short and..2 and a half hours...blah blah”. No. Shut up. Shut. Up. Shhhhhh. Ignore the short sighted inbreds who say this. Allow me to blow away their webbed-fingers based argument with one swift example: Portal. Portal was only a couple of hours long but you enjoyed that didn't you? Huh? Yeah I fucking thought so.

Just because you finish the main story doesn't mean the game is over. VVVVVV offers tons of goodies once the campaign is complete including time trials for every level, the ability to play the game in 'Flip Mode' (inverts the entire game) and unlocking (legitimately*) the illusive Secret Laboratory which is done by collecting all Twenty of the games Trinkets which are often locked away in the most fiendish of rooms. I still have one final one to obtain in the already notorious 'Doing Things The hard Way' which requires an immaculately timed flip through 5 of the most spiked ridden rooms... then back again. But 250 attempts in and I am closer which speaks volumes both to the games re-playability and its coma-inducing difficulty.

The Super Gravitron - Just another one of the many end-game bonuses. This one is hard even for VVVVVV's standards. Thanks Terry!

If you've not been totally swayed by my arguments then go and read the review again, or play the demo. If you have been swayed you can download the unashamed retro glory here.

Update #1: You can also get the soundtrack as well as bunch of other free tunes over at SoulEye's Site.

Update #2: I finally got the last trinket. Finally. And it was worth it - only 462 deaths.
*The game does allow you to unlock all modes in the option menu as well as some cheats such as invincibility.

What Sonic Should Do: One Man's Plea

2010-01-12T03:03:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia is a dangerous thing – it can drive a man crazy.

At the beginning of September, SEGA announced it has jumped on the New Super Mario Bros revival bandwagon and revealed a glorious return to 2D in HD with Sonic. Project Needlemouse is the name and details are scarce at this point. SEGA is currently running a viral marketing campaign to reveal the character’s that will be playable and by Friday we should apparently know more. Now I grew up on Sonic and hold those Genesis/Megadrive adventures on a pedestal as some of the best games in the entire history of existence so as you may imagine I’m as excited as a puppy needing to pee.

Now as an avid Sonic fan I have had to stand by and watch SEGA drive the series into the ground. Having witnessed how Mario leapt into the third dimension with absolute grace Sonic’s rather rapid decline left me scarred. The initial rocky trips to 3D, the vomit-inducing racing spin offs, the even-worse ‘next-gen’ 3D games, these were all very traumatising – sort of like watching your best friend being constantly beaten by abusive parents. But no more, here and now I’m taking a stand: Either Project Needlemouse is a stunning return to form or I wash my hands from Sonic forever.

The Only Current Image Available - Why does he have Pikachu's Tail?

This isn’t the first time that Sonic has attempted a return to 2D. The handheld market has had its fair share of attempts with varying degrees of success. I can really recommend the Sonic Advance series which captures most of the spirit of the old Genesis era games whilst introducing some new ideas. Sonic Advance 3 in particular offered a really cool co-op idea that was executed very well. The trip to the DS didn’t lie so well with me – the game was trying to hard to be ‘new sonic’ following the 3D ideas of rails and bungees – basically constantly taking control away from the player, furthermore the characters and environments didn’t really blend making Sonic seem out of place. To top it off enemy design was so plain and dull you’d have a better time watching a hobo piss on your shoes. Finally comes Sonic Rivals – this stupid series promised loads but delivered nothing but a slow, mediocre waste of time – and it features Vector, what the fuck where they thinking?. So here’s what needs to be done to make Project Needlemouse fun.

§ Bring back a sense of speed. And do that thing where if he goes to fast he goes off the right side of the screen like in Sonic 2– that was cool.

§ Remove shitty post-genesis era characters – that means Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and this new guy are allowed – NO ONE else, not Shadow, not Amy and certainly not Big the-fat-retarded-fucking Cat.

§ Give Needlemouse a cool distinctive power that isn’t flying/gliding/climbing – make it distinctive so he is different from any other characters. And whilst you’re there make Sonic different from the other characters in some way too.

§ Release new characters/levels as DLC – but do not omit Tails/Knuckles from the original release to make them DLC (they haven’t been announced as potential characters yet and I’m worried)

§ Enemy design needs a makeover – look back to the Genesis era ,they got it right, enemies need personality.

§ Remove Human elements – in later Sonic games he was inexplicably in the Human World – I understand that he can travel between worlds as Dr Robotnik (Eggman) did to get to Mobius but do no make this game set there. It makes Sonic seem out of place and fucking sucks.

§ Bring back the ‘Super/Hyper’ forms from Sonic 3 & Knuckles for all characters

§ Perhaps release another game that ‘joins’ on to this release to make one larger, better game a la’ Sonic 3 and Sonic & Knuckles

§ Call him Dr Robotnik again

§ Do not have any character voiced – use text if you must - its awful and makes you think your playing a children’s TV show – especially as Tails sounds like a girl

§ Story is not all that important – it’s a fucking Sonic game.

§ Have co-op brought back – possibly like in Sonic Advance 3 where any two characters are possible. Have this available to be played Locally and online

§ Have competitive online – but not that shitty lap system from Sonic 3. Use the Sonic 2 racing.

§ Have an over world level traversing system sort of like Mario so that levels can be replayed.

§ Have the player face off against a rival in a boss fight – like Knuckles in Sonic & Knuckles or Metal Sonic in Sonic CD – they were some of the best boss fights.

§ DO NOT use 2.5D at any point – especially boss fights which I know that recent ‘2D’ sonic games are notorious for (3D special stages are still acceptable).

§ Get Michal Jackson to do the soundtrack somehow. The Sonic 3 soundtrack was kick ass. Seriously kick ass.

Please Make It Look Like This.

-This is one of a series of beautiful video game paintings by Orieoto

These rules are just a guideline – but imagine if you will the glory of a truly new, truly brilliant new Sonic game. It fills my heart with joy and allows me to see the light at the end of the long black void that is my life.

On a side note an indie team of developers are bringing Sonic 2 into HD non-commercially – perhaps there is more hope for that game. Please make me proud SEGA. Best of luck.

UPDATE: SEGA have revealed that Sonic will be the only playable character in the game as well as stating there will be no new characters making an appearance playable or otherwise. This means there is no 'Needlemouse' character. Its a great choice by SEGA answering the call of fans. Oh and we have been gifted with the first piece of concept art which looks to improve lacklustre enemy design of late. Huzzah! (yeah thats right I said Huzzah!)

New Year: New Beginings, Old Games

2010-01-04T03:07:00.000-08:00

Well here we are in 2010 and as we enter the new decade with fresh hangovers I thought it would be apt to help out with some suggestions of games to play to beat those post Hogmany blues. In order to cater for all shapes and sizes the following list will encompass everything from the unashamedly brutal to the “so cute your teddy starts crying” titles. So without any further delay I give you the ultimate list to kick the living shit out of January.

Now If like me you were up to 5 in the morning drinking pint glasses of Bombay Sapphire to ring in the New Year then get out and spend 10 quid on the controversial vision that is Manhunt 2. Now if your here I assume your not ignorant enough to buy into the controversy so I'm leaving that particular argument at the door like an abandoned kitten. I'm just sick and tired of talking about it. Yes its violent. Yes its gruesome. Yes your kids probably shouldn't play it. But no it wont turn them into nutjobs. Case. Fucking. Closed. Anyway on to the game.

Now this will immediately appear dated to anyone who has played a game in say the last 5 years. Even by 2007 standards its kind of behind. Gameplay is kind of shoddy too: Controls feel loose and the camera often doesn't behave. And ok the story is about as paper thin as well...paper. However its not really the point. The stealth system is basic but effective, and what the game does really well is atmosphere. You'll find yourself holding your breath as you sneak up on one of the games psycho freaks from behind. Its a risk-reward system where the longer you stand behind someone the more brutal the death administered is. Its an oddly rewarding system and you'll find yourself holding your breath as you sneak up behind a burly gimp with only a plastic bag in hand.

Oddly a side effect of this relentless violence is casual relief from your hangover. You can feel it disappearing by the second as you bludgeon each goon with whatever bat, club, spade, brick or piece of glass you can find. Its horribly compelling as you drive Danny to his uncertain conclusion. Nothing really gets you fresh as a daisy, as blood splattering gore and horror. Honourable mentions in this category go to Condemned 2 for sheer shit-your-pants scariness and Silent Hill 2 for the quiet terror of being truly alone – you know to get you out of the fucking festive spirit.

Next up is multiplayer games. The best bit of these early January days is meeting up with friends and discussing who made the biggest tit of themselves whilst seeing in the New Year. The backdrop to such conversations should always be a good multiplayer game. First up is the beat 'em up – a dead genre that has, within the last year (and a bit), seen its corpse pried from its dusty grave. The leader of the pack is unquestionably Street Fighter 4. Capcom returned to form with a game that surpassed everyone's already high expectations. There was also Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, Marvel v Capcom 2 on the XBLA, Smash Bros Brawl and, my personal favourite, Tekken 6. Now whichever your game of choice nothing quite beats the unfiltered bliss of kicking the crap out of your friends (digitally of course).

Speaking of friends, the next game series will test any group to its very limits. In a game of Mario Kart allegiances are made and lost, friends become enemies and someone always ends up in a huff. Go for either the Gamecube's Double Dash!! or the N64 edition (then you can break out Goldeneye as well). A word to the wise, AVOID the Wii version like a leprosy gang bang, its a poor show that lacks any of he fun of the older versions.

I'm fucking going Yoshi you assholes!!!

-2-Bit Wasteland

However should you prefer the solo stuff nothing can bring you out of your 2010 coma than a healthy shot of electricity. This is where inFamous comes in. The team that brought the completely overlooked Sly Cooper series take a serious turn and equips you with a human power station to go out and wreak havoc. Forget Prototype, forget Crackdown, forget GTA 4 (yeah I fucking said it) inFamous is the sandbox game. Hours of fun await.

Something lighter? Okok if you need to relax after all the Killing, Karting and... Kinetic-electrocuting (ha) then chill out with Peggle. PopCap Games have created something that is as addictive as heroin but requires not nearly as much explaining. In Peggle your goal is to shoot a tiny ball into a series of pegs...and that's it. I know it sounds shit but trust is the first step to enlightenment my friends. When I first got Peggle I played it for so long people that my thumbs fell off. For something even more chill try the odd and slightly surreal Flower where you control a breeze...breezin' around...yeah I'm not sure about it yet.

Finally here we are at cheap skate corner. Have you spent all your money at new year? Did you blow you last 20 quid for a bite of a sandwich outside your local? No money even for cheap games? Then this section is for you. Here are a few gems hidden away. First is from the mind of Derk Yu and it is called Spelunky – both uncompromisingly difficult and brilliantly rewarding the game is headed for the XBLA in twenty-ten. However in the meantime it is free for all those that choose to click here. In the game you play as an explorer who traverses a dungeon getting deeper and deeper. The games infinite re-playability comes from all the levels being randomly generated. As you progress further into the dungeon you'll collect loot, save damsels in distress, rob shopkeepers and kill zombies. A must for anyone who doesn't huff paint for fun...actually if you do huff paint you'll probably like it too.

Next up is another zombie ridden title. James Silva's I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES!!!1 is an 80 pence ($1) piece of brilliance from the man who single handedly brought us The Dishwasher; Dead Samurai (which as a side note essentially brought Devil May Cry's gameplay to 2D in a blaze of glory). The game is a twin stick shooter that has a wicked sense of humour, and great weapons, and a song to rival Portal's, and is less than a quid. Move fucking aside Geometry Wars.

Honourable Mentions

Shadow Complex – Metroidvania brought into the 21st century brilliantly
Cave Story– The Wii port failed to rear its head this year. Go play the classic (its free)
LocoRoco – Nothing is calmer or cuter
Portal – Yeah like you need a reason to go play Portal again

Final warning - Never play New Suer Mario Bros Wii - you will get angry stressed and have an stroke.

Welcome to Twenty-ten from 2-Bit Wasteland (that's us)

Cutting the Crap: Tiger Woods Chasin' Tail Announced

2009-12-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

Before Christmas Day Tiger Woods received an early present from Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer...erer...er as they publicly backed him following the reports of his (alleged) affairs. In a turnabout following reports that the watch company would sever all ties with him, the official website states 'Tag Heuer Stands by Brand Ambassador Tiger Woods'. This pioneering move, where a company has actually backed their sponsor in light of a scandal, has prompted video game company Electronic Arts to do the same.

Today EA Tiburon, a developer from the company, announced Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011: Chasin' Tail. However in a surprising turn of events the developer is bringing in The Sims and Spore creator Will Wright to head up the next in the series. In a statement released earlier today Wright said “In light of recent events we have decided to merge the high quality sports franchise with an all new dating-sim side to the game. This will provide an unmatched level of immersion when players not only have to raise through the ranks to compete at PGA level, but also must keep tabs on their wife and all of the other fourteen women they are sleeping with on the side.”

Will Wright - the visionary game director takes on is biggest challenge yet.

As with previous entries in the series players will be able to create their own characters in game and then will compete with real life professionals, not only on the sporting field but in the personal one also. Players can choose to be male or female as with past games however it is not known whether relationships will be purely heterosexual or if gay and lesbian relationships will be permitted. In between (and sometimes during) tournaments players will have to manage all women/men in their life and as the number of partners increases the more difficult it becomes to retain your public image. Wright alludes to the two gameplay styles merging “Yeah, so the more women you have relates directly to how much tail your character will be getting, this keeps your in game character relaxed and happy and therefore at the top of his game. On the other hand players who choose to ignore that side of the game will find their characters are more stressed and tend to get frustrated easier which leads to more mistakes on the course.”

Further details have merged suggesting players can acquire sponsorship deals as their fame increases. According to the press release various sponsors have already signed up, including condom company Durex with their new slogan 'keep it secret and we'll do the rest'. In addition if a player is busted a la Mr Woods the player needs to run away to The Bahamas to relax a little.

We'll keep you updated on new details from Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11: Chasin' Tail as they become available.

Disclaimer: Note the above is entirely a work of fiction, no game exists the quotes are not from Will Wright and any similarities to real life are entirely coincidental (and probably pretty funny). So if any of you are dumb enough to go looking for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11: Chasin' Tail or are offended by the article then you need to get a grip and learn to take a joke.

Coffee and Christmas

2009-12-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

Three reasons you should drop everything your doing and buy Johnny Platform Saves Christmas

1) Its as frighteningly addictive as an iPod that shoots crystal meth into your ears every time you pick a new song.
2) It costs about as much a Big Mac meal and is far healthier for you.
3) You don't have to get off you fat, lazy, worthless, pathetic, good for nothing, waste of space, large, disproportionate, hairy, ugly, smelly, fat (again), stupid, takes up most of the couch ARSE to buy it. You can download it right off the Xbox Live Marketplace.

Its a rare thing when a game comes along that delivers exactly what it promises. Johnny Platform first made an appearance in his Biscuit Romp and surprised everyone by the quality of platforming he offered. It didn't break the mould with 'never before seen indie features' or try to be a from of 'contemporary art'. This proved to be an unequivocally brilliant move as it allowed players to see the product for what it was - a fun platformer sprinkled with a rich cartoony style and complemented by a quick injection of humour. The genius of the game however lay in its absolutely stellar level design which progresses in difficulty just enough to keep things continually challenging but not so frustrating that you want to dip your eyes in battery acid.

Johnny Platform Saves Christmas is Ishisoft's sequel and is packed with everything you could ever want – more levels, new challenges and even smarter level design. Little explanation is given as to what's going on which reflects wonderfully on the games 'old school arcade' feel. Johnny travels from room to room destroying killer robots as he goes and gets a checkpoint every five levels. Additionally every fifteen cups of coffee he drinks an extra life is gained. This sets a nice balance for the game which means your never punished to harshly and are only ever set back a maximum of four levels.

The games real attraction is its personality and visuals which are helped along by the games new full-screen display. Johnny himself sports a wee Santa hat and a thick Scottish accent, which only adds to the charm of the little green caffeine addict. I myself was first attracted to the plucky platformer because of our mutual love of coffee and Custard Creams (two things I'm rarely without). But it's the level presentation, enemy animation and wonderfully cheery music that all combine to create a sense of fun without ever becoming annoying or grating. You'll find yourself caught up in the primitive joy of it all as you cartwheel around jumping on enemies and listening to Johnny slurp down his coffee. Levels are varied and challenging offering enough of a Christmas theme so that you get in the festive spirit, but not so much your eyes start bleeding because of all the tinsel.

This is an excellent little adventure that delivers on all its promises and deserves a place on every Xbox Hard Drive in the country. If there's any justice in the world Johnny Platform will be back to save Easter, Halloween, Guy Fawkes Night and My Birthday. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be taken into a field and shot.

Happy Christmas from 2 Bit Wasteland!

Johnny Platform Saves Christmas is available now on Xbox Live Marketplace for 240ms points

(note also that Johnny Platform's Biscuit Romp is also available on Xbox Live Marketplace for 80ms points – that's about as much as a bag of skittles – are you fucking mad? go now!)

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A Personal Tale: A Very Specific Gripe

2009-12-21T18:25:00.000-08:00

Its funny just how life works out isn't it. A combination of circumstances beyond my control have forced me into this state of affairs. My Xbox 360 (and current pride and joy) has recently fallen victim to the ever common Red Ring of Death. Couple this with me returning to my family for Christmas and I'm dumped into a situation where the only form of entertainment is the Wii. Now I was all for Nintendo's latest offering when it was first released but it has lain rejected like a love starved puppy since I finished Mario Galaxy. So I delve into to drawer where all the Wii games lie gathering dust, they glisten in the bask of the living room light, twinkling with their empty promises. They stare up at me begging to be played. I gaze down disgusted with both the games and myself. Casting aside the likes of Wii Sports, Big Brain Academy and Tomb Raider I go to shut the drawer when at the last second something catches my eye. Curled up at the back, crisp, new and unopened is the present I had gotten for my sister for Christmas last year. Super Paper Mario (yes I know its like a year and a half old) .

Twelve full months of rejection brings out a sympathy in me I have never know, so I do the decent thing and unwrap the poor bastard before immediately firing up the Wii and entering the disk. Going in I knew the pedigree of the series meant I was in for something special. So all is going good – I'm 4 hours in or so and sitting happier than a toddler with a digestive when it all goes wrong big time.

So here's the gist of the matter – during the story Mario breaks a vase and has to pay off a not inconsiderable debt. Now to do this you have to get into a gerbil wheel and run for somewhere around 10 minutes. Let me give you a second to process that. Yes that's right you actually have to press right on the d-pad and just sit and wait. Discovering that you had to do this is kind of like finding out one of your friends has slept with his cousin, you don't know whether to laugh, be disgusted or phone the fucking police.

In my opinion for those 10 minutes Super Paper Mario ceased to be a game – there was no fun, no merit, no challenge and no point in what I was being asked to do. So I did what any sane, smart person would do, taped down the button and went to the kitchen to make a fucking cheese sandwich. Thankfully there's been nothing like this since in the game and it continues to be an absolute joy to play. Following the 'incident' however I find it hard to look at the game the same way again - sort of like you never see your daughter the same way again after she gets up the duff. If Nintendo were held to account the designer responsible should be made to cut off his left thumb for Miyamoto to wear as a necklace, or at least put a warning on the box.

You get the idea. Not that Homer was ever in any terrible games

It is because Super Paper Mario is such a good game makes this blemish all the more obvious. It shines out as a beacon of game design, the characters really come to life and the writing does have a sharp wit. Unfortunately the gerbil wheel really draws attention to itself, which is a shame. Its like buying a great new pair of shoes, then stepping into dog crap as you leave the store – the kind of stuff you don't quickly forget about.

For those who are curious have a look at just how long this gerbil fiasco lasts heres a link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmYKRRY3ft4
(p.s. Its the only video I could find with the full run on it so sorry about the quality/annoying guys)

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The Life of a Goomba: A Grunt's Motivation?

2009-12-18T18:21:00.000-08:00

A large number of video games are traditionally structured to deal with some form of struggle between a protagonist and antagonist. Often, to provide some padding, the protagonist is faced with an abundance of obstacles varying in form from platforms to rolling barrels or, most commonly, enemies. A prime example of this is Super Mario Bros where Bowser enlists the help of Goombas, Koopas, Bullet Bills and all manner of other helpers. The player assumes that these goons are loyal to Bowser and have no problem blindly marching to face off against the plucky plumber simply because they are instructed to do so. However that was twenty years ago and games are largely still following the same blueprint. RPGs are notorious for this. Often your squad faces off against a variety of creatures in the wild simply to kill them and become stronger to defeat most significant enemies who actually have an agenda, normally world domination/destruction, (Sephiroth I'm looking at you). There are exceptions, e.g. Shadow of The Collosus, but we'll get to that later. Today people who play games deserve more. In game bosses always tend to have a motivation, this is done for two reasons 1) to build sympathy for the protagonist and encourage the player to rally behind him 2) to flesh out the enemy and make him a more three dimensional character often furthering the player's understanding of the hero's ordeal. In Super Mario Bros Bowser runs off with Peach and we as the player think 'F**k no your not taking my girl'. A simple premise and a very effective one. But what about the grunts. Minor enemies in the game tend to take a back seat and everyone simply forgets about their motivation.

This raises a lot of questions, for example why are Goombas working for Bowser? Do they simply obey out of fear? Does Bowser have some kind of mind control? Or does he offer a great BUPA health insurance plan with benefits? Here lies the major flaw with games today: bog standard enemies have no motivation for their actions, and players disregard this flaw as if it's ok. Perhaps it seems trivial to consider this when talking about Super Mario Bros but the fact is very few games have evolved from this extremely basic premise. If you stop to actually think about it does anyone else consider that Mario might be the bad guy? Almost every single creature in several different worlds seems to pit themselves against Mario and put their lives on the line. Nobody stops to deliberate that he might be the evil one. Just because Bowser looks a bit nasty everyone thinks he's a baddie. Maybe he was just trying to overthrow the monarchy, Perhaps Peach raised the taxes too far. Perhaps she sent all the Koopa peasants to live in the lava world whilst she got the nice castle off their hard working backs. Doesn't seem so unreasonable now does it? Perhaps Bowser was a freedom fighter and maybe Mario was a puppet knight of the monarchy who mercilessly went world to world slaughtering all who passed him. Maybe not, the point is we don't know.

Some people just never admit when they're in the wrong

There are games that do this right, Gears of War pits you against the fearsome Locust race who rise from beneath the earth to lay waste to humanity. The genius of this race is that whilst you don't agree with their motivation you can understand it. Humanity landed and ravaged the surface of their planet and then destroyed a large portion of their species when they emerged from beneath. Furthermore the race design paints them as some giant mutated insects – they all obey a 'Queen' and think as a single mind. In a twist the bosses in Gears tend to have less motivation and are more often larger creatures often who The Locust cant control themselves e.g. The Berserker, a blind charging beast, who thinks of nothing else other than tearing you limb from limb. The genius of this and Gear's story is that it gives you just enough information leaving the player to speculate. This becomes particularly effective in the 'Sires' section of the second game. So why don't other games do it? Laziness? Probably not, it's more likely the design and time constraints of game creation naturally result in shortcomings such as these.

Worth note is Shadow of the Collossus which pits the player against large roaming beasts that traverse the land. The brilliance of these creatures is that they pose no direct threat to you and are simply there for you to kill for your own selfish deeds. Its a unique dynamic where the player's motivation takes a back seat as Wanderer destroys these creatures to restore life to his love. The complete lack of 'grunt' enemies gives the game a sparse feel which results in a lonely journey that is accompanied with a constant feeling of dread. A brilliance not paralleled in any game since. Anyway back to the task in hand.

Evolution is required. No longer can we face off against meaningless enemies without reason. And I know games are fundamentally about the gameplay and that is the most important factor but I feel insulted by constantly being fed character development that is surpassed in every conceivable way by The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Imagine a game where every enemy had an agenda, a back story, where no two were the same, perhaps they have a family. What if you came across a Goomba with a wife and kids? Would that make you think twice before so carelessly jumping on their head and CRUSHING THEIR SKULL INTO THE PAVEMENT!

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A Shit Game I Love: Small Soldiers

2009-12-17T17:51:00.000-08:00

There is no rhyme or reason to this, but everyone has one of these guilty gems hidden away from the rest of the world. Everyone. I'm not sure if its something buried within us that connects with unparalleled bad design but I digress. Mine in this case was shared with my cousin and was Small Soldiers for the original Playstation.

This game was plagued with bad design, sparse levels, shoddy AI and was an absolute blast in multi-player. This was odd because the multilayer levels only supported two players yet the levels were large enough for Sixteen – definitely way beyond the lowly PS1's power capability. So the inexplicably large levels resulted in the two of us running away, gathering a suitable array of weapons, joining in a quick skirmish, death, rinse-lather-repeat.

The beauty in these games is finding that one thing that everyone hates, doesn't work, is totally broken and yet you love. In Small Soldiers' case its the 'helper' system. On each of the levels for each main character there is a pet that can be deployed.. For Archer it's normally something from his home planet, for example Ocula which is some kind of eye on legs, and Scratch-it which seems to be some kind of hyperactive piece of cheese that likes to bite things. Chip on the other hand relies on a series of robots – none of which are used in the film and are all severely outclassed by Archers comparatively nimble counterparts. It must be noted that these helpers are nothing short of awful. Chip's helpers Bi-pod in particular was a horrible creation that whilst appearing to have suitable recognition of enemies and the ability to traverse a large amount of terrain nobody thought to program this robot to walk and shoot simultaneously. As a result the mechanical companion would walk blindly into the firing line in an attempt to line itself up with a target. Here's where it gets good: when hit by fire Bi-pod would do a backflip (yep a backflip) then would proceed to walk back into the firing line again and again until its inevitable defeat.

Erratic behaviour of the pets gave the game a lot of charm however. One of Archer's pets Stench would on very rare occasions flip out and become infested with a new set of powers and invulnerability, this was not a game mechanic merely a glitch. An awesome glitch. Furthermore every once in a while the helper would run off in a random direction. Often we would team up to chase down the stray pet in the completely oversized levels. This was made ever more exciting by the fact that the draw distance was all of five feet. Literally everything around you was a fog of war and meant continuous running into a mossy-brown wall. Beautiful stuff.

This fog meant that when running into battle – often down a very large, empty, blue cavern – you would see nothing until moments before coming face to face with your enemy meaning strategy and planning were key. Battles consisted of standing opposite one another and strafing back and forth until one dropped, bland you think? You ain't seen nothing yet. In some of the larger (than large) levels metal walkers that fired some fireball-esc things were available, no strafing was available in this particular vehicle so fights were reduced to walking towards each other before standing still to shoot each other. The loser was killed by one shot from the fireball out of mech and so was dead before he hit the ground.

Archer takes on Bi-pod and waits for the backflip

Its really hard to encompass just what it is that I love about this game. I shouldn't love it, everything I've already mentioned is worse than even I can express and there's more. Archer runs like he has something jammed up his rectum, the characters handle like shopping carts and there really is no artistic value to speak of. As a rule I am a ruthless critic but Small Soldiers has something about this game that warms my heart when I play. Maybe its the hours I put into it, that I feel I have to like it; maybe its the long summer days I spent with my cousin playing it and it symbolises a better time; or maybe I'm just deluded. Either way I love this game and it pains me that I cant recommend it to anyone.

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