Well here we are in 2010 and as we enter the new decade with fresh hangovers I thought it would be apt to help out with some suggestions of games to play to beat those post Hogmany blues. In order to cater for all shapes and sizes the following list will encompass everything from the unashamedly brutal to the “so cute your teddy starts crying” titles. So without any further delay I give you the ultimate list to kick the living shit out of January.
Now If like me you were up to 5 in the morning drinking pint glasses of Bombay Sapphire to ring in the New Year then get out and spend 10 quid on the controversial vision that is Manhunt 2. Now if your here I assume your not ignorant enough to buy into the controversy so I'm leaving that particular argument at the door like an abandoned kitten. I'm just sick and tired of talking about it. Yes its violent. Yes its gruesome. Yes your kids probably shouldn't play it. But no it wont turn them into nutjobs. Case. Fucking. Closed. Anyway on to the game.
Now this will immediately appear dated to anyone who has played a game in say the last 5 years. Even by 2007 standards its kind of behind. Gameplay is kind of shoddy too: Controls feel loose and the camera often doesn't behave. And ok the story is about as paper thin as well...paper. However its not really the point. The stealth system is basic but effective, and what the game does really well is atmosphere. You'll find yourself holding your breath as you sneak up on one of the games psycho freaks from behind. Its a risk-reward system where the longer you stand behind someone the more brutal the death administered is. Its an oddly rewarding system and you'll find yourself holding your breath as you sneak up behind a burly gimp with only a plastic bag in hand.
Oddly a side effect of this relentless violence is casual relief from your hangover. You can feel it disappearing by the second as you bludgeon each goon with whatever bat, club, spade, brick or piece of glass you can find. Its horribly compelling as you drive Danny to his uncertain conclusion. Nothing really gets you fresh as a daisy, as blood splattering gore and horror. Honourable mentions in this category go to Condemned 2 for sheer shit-your-pants scariness and Silent Hill 2 for the quiet terror of being truly alone – you know to get you out of the fucking festive spirit.
Next up is multiplayer games. The best bit of these early January days is meeting up with friends and discussing who made the biggest tit of themselves whilst seeing in the New Year. The backdrop to such conversations should always be a good multiplayer game. First up is the beat 'em up – a dead genre that has, within the last year (and a bit), seen its corpse pried from its dusty grave. The leader of the pack is unquestionably Street Fighter 4. Capcom returned to form with a game that surpassed everyone's already high expectations. There was also Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, Marvel v Capcom 2 on the XBLA, Smash Bros Brawl and, my personal favourite, Tekken 6. Now whichever your game of choice nothing quite beats the unfiltered bliss of kicking the crap out of your friends (digitally of course).
Speaking of friends, the next game series will test any group to its very limits. In a game of Mario Kart allegiances are made and lost, friends become enemies and someone always ends up in a huff. Go for either the Gamecube's Double Dash!! or the N64 edition (then you can break out Goldeneye as well). A word to the wise, AVOID the Wii version like a leprosy gang bang, its a poor show that lacks any of he fun of the older versions.
I'm fucking going Yoshi you assholes!!!
-2-Bit Wasteland
Something lighter? Okok if you need to relax after all the Killing, Karting and... Kinetic-electrocuting (ha) then chill out with Peggle. PopCap Games have created something that is as addictive as heroin but requires not nearly as much explaining. In Peggle your goal is to shoot a tiny ball into a series of pegs...and that's it. I know it sounds shit but trust is the first step to enlightenment my friends. When I first got Peggle I played it for so long people that my thumbs fell off. For something even more chill try the odd and slightly surreal Flower where you control a breeze...breezin' around...yeah I'm not sure about it yet.
Finally here we are at cheap skate corner. Have you spent all your money at new year? Did you blow you last 20 quid for a bite of a sandwich outside your local? No money even for cheap games? Then this section is for you. Here are a few gems hidden away. First is from the mind of Derk Yu and it is called Spelunky – both uncompromisingly difficult and brilliantly rewarding the game is headed for the XBLA in twenty-ten. However in the meantime it is free for all those that choose to click here. In the game you play as an explorer who traverses a dungeon getting deeper and deeper. The games infinite re-playability comes from all the levels being randomly generated. As you progress further into the dungeon you'll collect loot, save damsels in distress, rob shopkeepers and kill zombies. A must for anyone who doesn't huff paint for fun...actually if you do huff paint you'll probably like it too.
Next up is another zombie ridden title. James Silva's I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES!!!1 is an 80 pence ($1) piece of brilliance from the man who single handedly brought us The Dishwasher; Dead Samurai (which as a side note essentially brought Devil May Cry's gameplay to 2D in a blaze of glory). The game is a twin stick shooter that has a wicked sense of humour, and great weapons, and a song to rival Portal's, and is less than a quid. Move fucking aside Geometry Wars.
Honourable Mentions- Cave Story– The Wii port failed to rear its head this year. Go play the classic (its free)
- LocoRoco – Nothing is calmer or cuter
- Portal – Yeah like you need a reason to go play Portal again
Final warning - Never play New Suer Mario Bros Wii - you will get angry stressed and have an stroke.
Welcome to Twenty-ten from 2-Bit Wasteland (that's us)
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